The Body Negative
The problem with the British is we are just too damned polite. There’s just the odd rogue in society who is honest enough to say I look square. I remember the first time at school, an all girls school. Somebody pointed out that I had a square bottom…..and it was true! Everyone else was a lovely…erm teardrop shape. You know that waist-small of the back area? And there was me, a square. Destined to become an even bigger square…and even worse a miserable, bigger square. When I die there will be no denying it. I can hear the gasps when they realise I won’t fit in a normal size coffin! ‘She’s a square!!’ they’ll cry. Then they’ll believe me.
Now as an adult it doesn’t get mentioned. People look and I know what they see. (You must be with me by now). My mum thinks I’m slim….(LOLOLOLOL) but she’s my mum. My Fiance says it’s in my mind but I don’t believe him. Two or three days every month before my period I have to walk about with a square head/face to match my square body. I ask him point-blank ‘Can’t you see how square I look?’ …’No.’ he replies, and kisses my forehead. He’s lying. It’ll probably be on our wedding day when he realises he is about to marry a square with a dress on that he runs from the building screaming. What a nightmare.
I have pets. They see right through the fact that I am a square, I’ve noticed. I would have worked with animals if I was a stronger person, I might even have shaken this negative body image then. Oh yes I do know that’s what it is. I have read things and watched things about it, that doesn’t help though.
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Now, how do we cope with public occasions, or invites? Nightmare. You invite us to a wedding, say in six months or twelve months time and you want a reply asap. Your secret-square friends can’t do it. How can we tell you if we will be feeling really, really square on your special day or not? We know you have a seating plan and guest list to arrange and we know that this is YOUR special day but if we feel too square that day we can’t come. It’s as simple as that. We know the whole room won’t be looking at us because we are just a guest but nevertheless if we are having a square-day and none of our outfits make us feel any better we will have to send you our apologies and fib about feeing unwell. Oh the excuses.
Some of us might try a glass of wine, a measure of brandy or a can of beer while we are getting ready. This will have one of two effects. Either we will look in the mirror and try to hide ourselves under buckets of make-up and jewellery - and attend. OR we will see an even bigger square than we saw before the alcohol, in which case we must learn to put the alcohol away! Don’t finish the bottle or have another can because tomorrow will be worse.
Just look around you when you are out. You will probably see people who are clearly inappropriately dressed, but not just that, they look uncomfortable with themselves. To the point where you want to say to them ‘If you are that uncomfortable love, why did you come out like that?’ I know how that person feels. They may not see themselves as a square, or even a triangle. They are however unhappy with their own being, and feeling constantly like that can wear you down.
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This way of being has gradually gotten worse since leaving school and now without all of these little additions to my person I feel like a ‘thing’ instead of a girl/woman. For example I wear those silly acrylic nail extensions all the time, and have done for years. They are a part of me now and I’d rather die than remove them for more than a week. This is because it is one more thing that might help people I meet everyday to see that I’m female. The same goes for the high heels, jewellery, leather skirts and false eyelashes. Yes everyday. Believe me it is tiresome.
I know that being this honest can open me up to criticism but I want people to understand this is not because I am shallow and I need to get a life. It is something I cannot escape from. Living life as a shape which remains forever in your minds eye is depressing. Trying to dress that shape up is hard work and to never let the façade drop is even harder. If I was to go shopping, lets say, without most of the necessary adornments I would feel like people were disgusted at how I look and that I shouldn’t be let out in public view.
I wake up every morning hoping to be a different shape and running through everything I have eaten the day before. Day after day, week after week and month after month.
Oh did I mention eating?
Now there’s another thing. To live by so many rules is nearly impossible, granted they are all of my own making. So not only am I a walking square but a square with an eating disorder. Everything I do has to be done on an empty stomach, unless I am in danger of being dizzy. This is because I know that people can see straight through my clothes into my stomach and they would know what I had eaten and that would mean I was at a disadvantage.!? (writing that down does make it sound ridiculous). Also, if I was to have something to eat and then go out I would have food dripping down my chin and smeared all over my face. Now how pleasant is that for you to look at? (See I am only thinking of others.) Therefore, I am limited to only eating at certain times and can hardly ever do anything spontaneous, much to the annoyance of friends, who have by and large given up on me. I am no longer invited out, which is great. I hate parties and social thingies which require me to starve all day and try my entire wardrobe on. I’d rather just thank you and refuse. Which I do now, it saves all the effort and doesn’t annoy anyone.
I specialise at wriggling out of weddings, Christmas, birthdays, New Year and all types of house parties. If on some rare occasion you manage to get me to agree then you still try and push me for what I want to eat when I am there!! I CAN’T JOIN IN! I have to stand with my back to the wall politely holding a glass of water, and sending my other half to the bar. I can’t eat your food because I haven’t read the label and I don’t know where it has been and I haven’t seen it cooked! I can sniff at things and say ‘Oh I bet that’s nice!’ but that’s your lot. Besides if I did pick up a pineapple chunk or something imagine your horror…. You may have known me ten years….you would say ‘Gosh, she’s eating!’ or ‘ I don’t think I ever saw you eat. Ever.’ Blah, blah, blah. I’ve heard it all.
Now there’s another issue…label reading. It simply has to be done. (Now you are picturing a poshed up square reading labels in supermarkets. I know, it’s sad and pathetic.) There are several me’s that have to read the label. There’s the Common Sense Me that holds all the facts and figures about what’s healthy and what isn’t. There’s the Brainwashed by Low-Carb Foods Me which tries to keep tabs on what the other me is putting in the trolley and then there’s the other me who won’t eat bread, pasta, rice and potatoes because they slow your system down (I’ve known that me 8 years now). There’s also a list of foods I have to live by to keep me healthy and thank the lord I managed to extinguish the Milk Me!! That was bad. 48 pints a week from only one shop! No need to eat though. If you do that for long enough (3 months) it does actually result in weight loss, but not anymore, I’m too old and my body is buggered and confused.
So on I go limping from one regime to another, overcoming all the obstacles that are placed in my way… Like cameras! I hate them. Anyone who is reading this and even slightly with me so far will understand the camera fear. Now for all intents and purposes they are pretty harmless and I do own several, for taking pictures of other things. Point one at me and you WILL get a reaction. When I say ’Please, whatever you do, don’t include me in that shot’ I mean it. I’m not saying ’Really I’d love a picture of me looking like a square at your party/wedding etc so you can show your friends.’ Really I’m not. So when I say it, and I mean it, and then you do it why are you soooo surprised at the reaction you get? You will be embarrassed when I scream at you or I walk away, and I’m sorry but you are always warned.
What a wreck you must be thinking. Why is there no one I can talk to? Well I have considered seeking help, but right now I have neither the time nor the money, and only one person knows all of this. What would I say if I were to phone the Samaritans? ‘Hi, I’m a transparent square with an eating disorder and a few obsessive disorders thrown in. Can you help?’ Where would they start? Anyway there’s too much to untangle now. The obsessions have grown out of one another and anyway I think I am more in control now than I have ever been so I’ll just manage I guess. I did see a man on Trisha once tell a man on the stage that he was surviving and not living. I can understand that, think I’ve forgotten what living is.
To be cont'd.................
